That Sign Holding Jerk In Tears Of The Kingdom Can Go Screw Himself

Addison is a pathetic loser who only wants to drag Link down to his pathetic loser level.

Tears of the Kingdom is a nearly perfect game. Its puzzles? Brilliant. Its physics? Incredible. Its story? One of the best Zelda games, if not the best Zelda game. The game is an amazing achievement, and not just because it found a way to overshadow its predecessor, which itself is considered one of the greatest games of all time. Actually, that probably is why it's an amazing achievement. But Tears of the Kingdom has one major problem.

A problem that is so severe, I dare say it will rob this beautiful adventure of any Game of the Year honors. When the end of 2023 comes, Tears of the Kingdom could be shunned by the entirety of the gaming media and community. And it's all because of that motherfucking sign-holding garbage Addison.

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Don't you know I’m on a quest to save the world? And that I already saved the world a few years ago? You see a guy wearing a Divine Beast mask and a sword with a massive metal box glued to the front, but you want me to stop in the middle of my day to help your sad ass hold up a goddamn sign?

Oh, at first I was on Addison's side. When I heard he was holding up signs for someone named ‘President Hudson’, I thought, good for you. You’re getting involved. When you’re dealing with Calamity Ganon and Upheavels, it's easy to forget that Hyrule needs leaders people can believe in. Yes, Link, he come to town, come to save the Princess Zelda. But he can't handle it alone.

Then I realized that President Hudson wasn't a politician stepping up to fix Hyrule's infrastructure issues and finally create a road system that makes sense. He wasn't going to clean the wells full of monsters who probably poop in the drinking water. He wasn't going to do a damn thing, because President Hudson is just a businessman. He owns a construction company.

Don't get me wrong! I’m not so far gone as to say that all people who control the means of production are bad. Look at President Yunobo. Yes, he may have poisoned all of his employees with what amounts to edible heroin, but at least he came to his senses and now helps make holes in walls when the game indicates there might be a hole in a wall. That's a progressive businessman I can get behind.

And, yes, President Hudson's construction company is necessary. Hyrule is destroyed every other Thursday, and someone has to rebuild Purah's lab. To be fair, President Hudson doesn't seem like a bad guy when you meet him. At least, as long as you’re giving him and his associates money while helping his company. It's capitalism all the way down, folks, and Hudson is the smiling face of corruption.

So shouldn't I be mad at President Hudson rather than Addison? No.

Addison is everything that's wrong with Hyrule these days. He can't do anything for himself. He's a low self-esteem little toad of a man who wants to impress his boss by straining his muscles holding up an ad in the middle of frozen mountains and the Gerudo fucking desert. He whines that he can't keep the sign standing while not realizing nobody on the Golden Goddess’ fucking Earth would give a shit.

What's worse is that this stupid dork is always standing right next to construction supplies. He works for a construction company and can't construct shit. All he can do is ask you to do it for him. He's suffering day and night, sun and rain for somebody who probably hates his guts.

Addison is the Zelda character most likely to pay for a blue checkmark on Twitter. He's a simp. He’ll do anything to get a CEO to give him a leg-up, not realizing that Hudson has no incentive to ever stop Addison doing free work. Why give someone a promotion when they’d stand on the very edge of a cliff so some lost Rito bird can be reminded it wanted to build a mother-in-law suite?

And here's some fucking shit. Whenever Link takes a break from stopping the Demon King to help out this moron, Addison asks how the sign is standing. As if President Hudson came down from motherfucking Skyloft himself to make his ads do it by magic. No, asshole, it was me. And don't try to give me eight Rupees, a rice ball, and a gift card to a stable. Pay me in some actual money or loot, you asshole. Give me a helmet that protects against fire.

Maybe it's my fault. Here I am, trying to do what's best for everybody. That's no easy task. Kakariko Village has different needs than Tarrey Town. I’m a busy man. Did you know I have to walk into, like, a thousand magic boulders and solve puzzles so I don't die the moment a Moblin looks at me? And that's what I do in my free time. That's my hobby. My main job is figuring out what the fuck happened to my time-traveling liege/girlfriend.

But I want to help people, so I stop every time. Except for the Koroks. Look, dudes. Happy to help you cross a river to see your friend. I’m not going to take you on a Lord of the Rings-length journey across mountain tops so you can have a picnic. I’m only Hyrulean.

Somehow Addison is so pathetic I can't help but stop. You’d think he’d figure out how to put scaffolding around his signs considering I do it the same way every fucking time. Or that maybe a sharp, pointed base isn't the best option for stabilizing a wooden billboard. He works for a construction company, but if he tried to build an IKEA bookshelf, it would somehow burst into flames on its own.

The man is incompetent. The fact he's not dead is not a credit to him, it's a discredit to monsters.

I hate you, Addison.

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Mike Drucker is a television writer and standup comedian. He's currently co-head writer and co-executive producer of Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, and has written for shows including The Tonight Show, Adam Ruins Everything, and Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mike's writing has also appeared in video games for Sony and Nintendo. If you read this far, thank you.